Dear single women,
Every time I find a guy who seems perfect, he's straight. Stop complaining.
Sincerely, frustrated gay man.
Dear brother,
If you leave the toilet seat up, I leave my tampon box on the ground.
Sincerely, PMS-ing sister.
Dear Mary Poppins,
My children think they jumped into a painting, played with penguins, rode carousel-less carousel horses, and rode on chimney smoke through the sky... exactly what kind of "sugar" did you give them?
Sincerely, parents.
Dear taste buds,
If you like the chocolate cake so much, you can keep the 500 calories that come along with it.
Sincerely, hips, thighs, and butt.
Dear friends and family,
Please realize that supporting gay rights doesn't make me gay any more than supporting black rights makes me black.
Sincerely, I just want everyone to be treated fairly.
Dear friend request,
I met you once at a Halloween party and you were dressed as a giant penis. That was enough of a warning for me.
Sincerely, "decline."
Dear Sarah Palin,
We're all going to vote for you just to see what will happen if you're president.
Sincerely, this could either be pretty funny or kill us all.
Dear cops,
Please stop pretending you never drank before you were 21.
Sincerely, you're not fooling anyone.
Dear Bella,
So, when your boyfriend left you, you started hearing his voice inside your head and then jumped off a cliff? We have a name for that honey.
Sincerely, psychiatrist.
Dear vegetarians,
Yes, this deer could be Bambi's mother, but that cucumber could be Larry!
Sincerely, I'll eat my venison, thank you very much.
Dear mom,
Thanks for naming me Bob.
Sincerely, your dyslexic son.
Dear girl who wore way too much berry-scented perfume,
I hope you get chased by a swarm of bees.
Sincerely, still gagging in the elevator.
Dear scientists,
Which is worse for our lungs, smoking or walking into an Abercrombie store?
Sincerely, worried.
Dear store employees,
If you don't want us to joust, stop having electric carts and Nerf swords in the same store.
Sincerely, immature.
Dear London,
I don't mean to alarm you, but it seems you are driving on the wrong side of the road.
Sincerely, America.
THIS IS PAGE 1
